Opening Prayer Peep Show

There are a couple of things you need to know about the first ten minutes of church: where you sit in church is everything (The Perfect Pew) and the opening prayer is nothing but a peep show.

Have you ever noticed how many people are looking around during the opening prayer?

Of course you have, because guess what? Everybody is looking around! It is the busiest time of the service, besides when the pastor says, "I leave you with this thought..."

The opening prayer is useful for many things:

1) Extended greeting time. Like that 30 seconds was enough to shake everyone's hands? I'm throwing bro nods from the right coast to the left coast.

2) Threaten your child one more time.

3) Manage your cell phone. Turn your cell phone on silent, off, or on airplane mode. I'm praying for a Christian cell phone company to emerge that will have a "Sanctuary Setting".

4) Do the "Tithe Check Pocket Dance". It looks eerily like the Macarena. You start by checking your shirt pockets, then you crossover to your front blue jean or khaki pockets (depending on your church), next you cross back over to your back pockets, and finished with turning around looking in your seat or purse.

5) Find a mint. But don't be the person who opens it so slowly that the crackling wrapper sound lasts until the unison, "Amen."  Wait until the first song at least.

6) Play charades. You are either making fun of what your worship pastor is wearing or you are talking about someone in the church. This is a great time to point at a backslidden sinner or a first time guest, make a surprised face, and then react accordingly.

7) Complain about the temperature. It's amazing how many people try to get the attention of someone with the authority to change the climate in the church at this time.

8) Check out who you would like to multiply with. This goes for the singles out there. Men, you can check out your wives.

9) Make an escape to the bathroom.

10) Service maintenance. The ushers are getting pumped about their action. The worship band is tuning their instruments, rolling up their sleeves, or fixing their hair. You don't even want to know what the tech team and sound booth people are up to.

Some of you are more holy than others of us and actually take the time to pray.

Sure you are praying that the Holy Spirit comes. But does he need an invite? Is he really out in the foyer waiting to be announced so that he can take the stage like LeBron James?

Or you are praying about the condition of people's hearts. I need it and so does that backslidden sinner I just talked about. So thank you!

If you say that you aren't a peeper but that you pray with your eyes open, just stop. This is really freaky. Like when someone sleeps with their eyes open. I don't even think God listens to these people.

No matter if you are a peeper or not, it's all gravy because everyone knows that the worship doesn't actually start until the band plays some Tomlin...I mean the slow songs.

Question:
One question begs to be answered: Are you a peeper or not?