Fantasy Churchball League

It's football season again!

For the last ten years, I have been a part of a fantasy football league. (Any dream of mine to be involved with football would be described as a "fantasy".)

There's something about playing football without the chance of getting hurt (with the exception of your pride) that gets the mojo going.

I joined a new league this season made up of bloggers.

While drafting my squad, I began pondering how unfathomably awesome it would be if churches had their own version of fantasy football.

Let's call it Fantasy Churchball.

A fantasy churchball league would be comprised of drafted teams of various church positions that earn/lose points based on their Sunday performance.

Here are the positions:

1) The Pastor. Earns points for correct number of preaching points, points with some form of word play, staying within a certain time limit, and the number of people at the altar. Point deductions include church members falling asleep, preaching over, using too many church trendy words, and using more than one Hebrew or Greek word within a month.

2) The Worship Pastor. Earns points for song choice, being able to play multiple instruments (if they play guitar, they earn points for not using a capo), wearing a v-neck/Toms, number of people who raise hands, and singing on key. Point deductions include dressing to girly (for male leaders), singing the chorus too many times, crying unnecessarily, and going into the preacher's time.

3) The Children's Pastor. Earns points for being able to find a parent of a crying child in under a minute, the apple juice and animal crackers are filled, ability to successfully take a crying child from their parent pre-service, and telling the Bible stories the children want to hear. Loses points for returning a child with a dirty diaper, hungry kids, misplacing children, and showing Veggie Tales.

4) The Youth Pastor. Earns points for keeping all the middle and high school hormones where they belong, finding volunteers for middle school boys, playing games that aren't related to anything (other than to see if they can keep their job if they play them). Loses points for misplacing wandering youth trying to hide, using bathroom humor, hanging out with the worship pastor, and drinking energy drinks.

5) The Volunteer. This is a wide ranged section. Earns points for showing up, showing up on time, leaving on time, smiling, absences are verified by a doctor's note, and doing what they are supposed to. Loses points for not showing up, showing up late, using the excuse that they didn't get the message, seeming miserable, and engaging in gossip instead of work.

6) The Congregation. The congregation is like choosing the defense for your fantasy team. In fantasy football you chose individual offensive players and one defensive team. You would draft an entire church. Earn points for number of people who show up, show up on time, baptisms, tithing, engaging in worship, following along with pastor's notes, number of Bibles open, bringing friends. Loses points for falling asleep, staying on social media, not paying attention, spilling coffee, opening peppermints too loudly, leaving the sanctuary during the service, and not shaking other people's hands.

This of course isn't perfected, but team owners would hold a draft and choose their teams from churches that would be similar in size. Season runs from Fall to Volunteer Season.

It wouldn't surprise me if God doesn't get his own league started in heaven.

What do you think? What position would you add and how would they earn/lose points?

You can follow me on Twitter: @christiangravy.