The Argyle Sweater

Yesterday, I wore a purple argyle sweater to church with a nice plaid purple and white collared shirt.

I was enjoying a Subway Breakfast B.M.T. when all the sudden it happened. 

I was made fun of for my sweater. 

Relentlessly. 

By the worship band.

It stung a little. Actually, it stung a lot.

No man would take up for me. (The bass player asked where he could get one and claimed to be serious. He never delivered a punchline, so maybe he was.)

A couple of their wives tried to help, but that only made it worst.

One so-called "friend" pretended to like my sweater and asked if he could borrow it. I thought he was crushing on my sweater. I was flattered. 

For what occasion I asked? 

To an ugly Christmas sweater contest? Saboteur. The deception and betrayal cut me to the core.

I think not my friend. 

Kanye West wears argyle and if Kanye has proven himself to be anything it's fashionable…and a self-proclaimed genius…but mostly fashionable. 

I would like to warn my friends on making fun of other people's fashion. 

The first time I learned the word metrosexual, I was eager to take the word from my quiver and go all Hunger Games on someone. My first victim was my cousin, who happened to be wearing a sweater. It was a nice sweater (not argyle, maybe ribbed), but it wasn't all that metrosexual. Rather the word was burning my tongue and had to come out. 

Needless to say, my comment stewed in my cousin's blood for a year or longer. I had forgotten it. He hadn't. The next time he saw me dressed in something other than casual wear, he was ready to return the favor. Only he brought a posse. And my humiliation (more like a beat down) was well-planned and executed.

So these guys who made fun of my argyle better stick with solid colors for the next year.

However, I would like to point out to my friends, who happen to lead others in worship, a couple of things:

First, the argyle sweater is holy. 

The prophet Jeremiah wrote "The sin of Judah is written with pen of iron, with the point of a diamond." And so I write your sin down: Making fun of argyle the most holy of sweater patterns. 

Argyle is pattern made from diamonds. Lorde's never seen a diamond in the flesh, but argyle looks good on the flesh.

These diamonds often contain layers of overlapping motifs. 

In other words, it's complex like an onion. Something that only really, really, really ridiculously insanely smart people like myself and Kanye get (and women, golfers, and Scottish people wearing kilts). 

The pattern gives the illusion of movement and makes it appear three-dimensional. What else comes in three in one? That's right the Godhead. It wouldn't surprise me if God wore an argyle sweater that Jesus knitted him during the creation of the world.

Second, it's only cool to make fun of what the worship pastor wears (and an occasional hipster Christians). 

It's a hazard that comes with their job. Did you know that when a worship pastor signs their contract, they sign off on their clothing being made fun? 

A part-time rhythm guitar/mandolin player shouldn't be in your sights. 

You settled. 

You should be ashamed.

I'm a Christian so I can forgive. But seriously, they had better stick to blue jeans and solid colored shirts for a while for making fun of my beloved argyle.