It Made Me Cuss

I’m going to restate what I wrote yesterday, “Grief sucks!”

They say there are different stages to grief and that’s probably correct. The emotional roller coaster has left me emotionally exhausted. As you well know if you’ve ever experienced the death of a loved one.

Last Thursday was a bad day for me.

When I went to brew some coffee, we were totally out. This alone nearly sent me into a tizzy.  

My grandfather always ate a large breakfast and I woke up really missing him, so breakfast sounded good. A breakfast of coffee, crispy bacon, toast with honey, and eggs fried over easy is what my grief ordered. But there was nothing in the fridge, so I had to go to the store, but I couldn't.

My debit card expired while we were out of town.

The bank had sent me a new card a few weeks earlier, but for some reason I didn’t activate it and put it in a pile of mail.

What a stupid mistake!

So I started going through the junk pile, but it wasn’t there. I looked again and still couldn’t find it. Anger ensued because I knew where I had put it. No matter how many times I looked I couldn’t find it. I started looking everywhere for it.

Lacey helped with no success.

Needless to say, I was so angry that I was ready to break something.

Lacey calmed me down and wisely suggested that we go to the bank and have them print me one there. It wasn't a big deal. After getting the new debit card, I decided some greasy Mexican food and a nap was in order to get me out of my funk.

The girls were staying over at my in-laws house, which was probably good since they had been dealing with an emotionally charged father for quite a few days. After my nap, we decided to go to Sonic for a drink. But I couldn’t find my wallet. Yes, my wallet with my new debit card was MIA! It was more than I could handle.

Now, I was really angry.

I was storming through the house, the garage, the cars, everywhere looking for the wallet. Lacey looked everywhere too and at one point she went outside with a flashlight looking in the driveway for it. (However, I think she was trying to get away from me.)

I sat down in the floor and cursed. I just let it out! I rarely cuss and I like to save them for the rare occasion…an occasion such as this! And in my opinion when it comes to cussing you should go big or go home. It felt rather good for a moment.

But then I felt a nudge to look up by the television-a nudge that was Spirit-led. I don’t get nudges all of the time, but I know what they feel like when I do.

My wallet was lying next to the television.

A rush of guilt flooded me over my actions as I walked to get it. I felt sure God would teach me a painful lesson, because that’s what we expect when we sin. We expect God to strike us down with correction. 

But that isn’t what I received. I didn’t receive what I deserved.

Instead, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “Joel, it’s going to be okay.”

In a moment that I expected condemnation, I received comfort. I was corrected, but not with a spanking. I literally felt like God wrapped his arms around me. Tears flooded my eyes as I walked to the car.

The prodigal son's father sounds terrific, but we really don't expect that kind of reaction from God. I'm not sure why we don't.

We too often think of God as a disciplinary. But he disciplined his son through the cross, so we wouldn’t have to experience it. This isn’t to say that God doesn’t discipline us, because we know that he disciplines those he loves. But it is to say that God knows what you need and when you need it. 

His love for us is bigger and more unpredictable than we could ever imagine.

Have you ever expected condemnation from God, but received grace?