The Perfect Pew

There are some unwritten church rules when it comes to seating:

1) Few things are more important than your pew. Jesus even cared where he sat (King of the Pews).
2) Where you sit largely dictates your worship experience.
3) You can't spell worshiper without pew.

Once you have an understanding of these rules, you are ready to select the perfect pew.

The following is the Perfect Pew Diagram. It's a tool to help you find the best seat or figure out why your worship experience is decrepit. After all, it was King Solomon who wrote while sitting in his church pew, "Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint."

Where do you fall?

There are a few problematic factors with the diagram, such as church layout or smaller churches where people's butt prints have been on their pew since the 1950's. Even after they pass away, people aren't allowed to take their seat. But overall, most churches are arranged in rectangular sections.

Let's take a quick look at each:

1) Premium-Is there any need to write anything? These seats allow for quick exits for whatever reason. Not only that but you rule the row. You decide everyone's fate on when and how they get out of the pew. But remember that with much power comes much responsibility.

2) Pumped-These people come to church ready to get their "worship on". After a service you can tell who the pumped pewers are because they come out sweating, hoarse, chest bumping, and rubbing their necks. These are the worshipers who keep a pastor preaching and a worship leader worshiping.

3) Buzzer Beater-So you weren't early enough to get a premium seat, but you aren't stuck in the middle with the weird kid who keeps glaring into your soul. This section is littered with parents who had to sign-in one or two kids into the children's ministry, angry couples who argued on the way to church, and premium pewers who are scooters (they scoot when people ask instead of stepping out of the row).

4) Land of Nod-You actually have to arrive early to get one of these seats. The Land of Nod is full of people who want to power nap or play Words with Friends. I've been there before. It's pretty sweet! Delta Airlines sends stewardesses (only those who are in their training program) to practice handing out pillows, beverages, and peanuts. The only rule for the Land of Nod is you can't be too loud. However, full speed peppermint unwrapping is permitted. They probably hold races during NASCAR season. Totally not cool to save seats in this section.

5) No Man's Land-You end up here for a couple of reasons. First, you keep scooting. Sucker! When I'm really late to church, I'm looking for people like you. Second, you brought your kids to the service. Kids always end up in the middle. I don't know why. It's probably due to Satan's scheming. Third, you were really late because you have three or more offspring to sign-in for the children's ministry. Fourth, you ate Mexican food within a 12 hour window and you are looking for scapegoats.

Question:
Where's your perfect pew?