Sneezing in Church

Have you ever noticed how people sneeze in a church service?

It must have something to do with the presence of the Holy Spirit. It's like looking into the bright sun (which can make you sneeze).

Or it's the worship pastor's v-neck messing with the nerves in your nose. 

Perhaps it has to do with everyone being hopped up on the bean. No one sneezes correctly when they have consumed a venti too many. 

Maybe it's because we are worried about where we are sitting, so you aren't thinking clearly. You got stuck in the middle of the pew, but you wanted on the end. So you trick yourself into thinking that you have to use the bathroom. 

It could be all of those plus how we hate bringing attention on ourselves. 

A gathering of believers on a Sunday morning is an intimate setting. The bright lights should be on the Big Guy, not on you since a little dust flew up your schnoz.

Have you ever noticed how people handle a sneeze in church? We handle a sneeze as if it were a live grenade.

From the time the pin is pulled and you feel that first tingle in the old snoot until that sneeze explodes out of you at 100 mph, one billion thoughts run through your mind.

The main question is what are you going to do with this sneeze? 

How do you handle live action that is about to explode?

There are four ways that people sneeze in church:

1) The all out explosion.

This is a full-blown sneeze. There is no hiding it.

The pin was pulled and the body is gonna do work.

Just make sure you are in vampire position to catch your sneeze (mouth and nose in the crook of your arm).

Everyone in the church will hear. Many within a respectable distance will look at you. Your neighbors will even bless you. If they don't, then you should sneeze on them next time.

The pastor might even acknowledge you with a "God bless you" from the pulpit. 

Your presence can't be ignored.

2) The multiple sneezer.

Some of you are two and three sneezers. You are dealing with multiple grenades. It's as if you spilled a bag of grenades (which I highly doubt you buy grenades by the bag).

My wife and daughters are two sneezers. They can't just sneeze once. They have to sneeze twice.

This is scary in a church service. Sure you didn't have a full-blown explosion, but your first sneeze got a little attention and any multiple sneeze after that will gather stares forcing mandatory eye contact with those nearby.  

3) The cute sneezer.

Some people make the fatal error of holding onto their sneeze for too long. They don't know what to do with their sneeze. They get caught up in an explosion and try to quieten it. But you can't mess with that kind of raw power.

You've heard a cute sneeze. You might be a cute sneezer yourself. The high pitch cheeeww will always be noticed by anyone who has ever seen a Disney movie.

The pastor will say "God bless you," but it's more in the spirit of "Bless your little heart!" 

The cute sneeze has no place in the church among men. Some women can't help it. If you've been known to hold onto a sneeze for too long, sit in the back of the church. It's less embarrassing that way.  

4) Jump on the grenade.

If taking a grenade for someone is Bruno Mars' idea of a romantic notion, then the church should feel romanced by me. 

This is my method. 

You close your mouth and you sneeze.

The explosion is barely heard only felt. 

Sure it will garner a little attention, but for the most part the people next to you will be left in a state of confusion about what happened. 

Warning: there is nothing manly about sneezing with your mouth closed (or safe since a sneeze is supposed to get bad things out of your body). Be prepared to be made fun if someone recognizes it for what it is. They won't understand how courageous you were for the sake of the church.

Sneezes are going to happen. Unless you are lucky to enough to chase one away on purpose, but that's about as easy as finding a unicorn.

Remember it's not that you sneezed that matters, but it's what you do with that sneeze.

There's really no way to stop sneezes. Well...you don't sneeze in your sleep. You could just go to sleep, but that can be even more embarrassing.    

What do you do with your sneezes?