Fall into Fall with Five Things Men Shouldn't Say in the South

This is a blog that I posted last year. 

Naturally, fall is the best season. If fall were to get in a fight with the other seasons, it would kick summer, winter, and spring's axis. Get it? (The seasons change because of the tilting axis.) God destined me to be fond of fall when He made sure that my first breath was the first day of autumn. That's right, September 23rd is my birthday (not too late to send me a gift). Men typically love fall because that means football, tailgating, NASCAR, hunting, and playing with bonfires. I love fall for totally different reasons, and living in the South, let's just say I'm lucky to be alive. Here are five things that I've learned men shouldn't say in the South during the fall:

1. "I take sugar and milk with my hot tea." Extremely difficult to be manly with a cup of hot tea in your hand. Maybe it makes me feel like a royal Brit, maybe it makes me feel cultured, I honestly do not know, but I love to steep me some tea. That's right, I said steep and I know all about any kind of tea that you want to talk about ladies. Tried a new tea this week, Lady Grey Tea, let's just say I'll be buying some more. 
2. "I like to build my outfit around my shoes." Fall means a change of shoes styles and guess what? Shoes are one of my favorite things on earth. I have more than my wife, but it's okay because I never pay full price. You see what I mean? I'm lucky to be alive. When I get ready in the mornings, I build my outfit based on my shoes, not on the shirt that I want to wear. Yes, this scares my wife to death. Compliment my shoes and I'll be your best friend for life.
3. "I like to unwind my day with a little House Hunters on HGTV." I've heard the horrible acronym of what HGTV stands for, so spare me the joke. Lacey and I like to cuddle on the couch and watch an episode or two. Here is a little unknown fact about me: I'm extremely gifted at predicting which house will be chosen. I should go up against Vegas. It's a talent and I'm correct 19 out of 20 times. My strategy rarely fails. If you will watch their body language, listen, and picture yourself in their shoes (I love shoes), then you will be a "House Hunters Stud" as well.
4. "I have more argyle than Kanye West." Not only do President-Bush-loving-Taylor-Swift-jamming-Christians not care for argyle, but they despise Kanye. My closet looks like an avalanche of argyle. I could easily go two weeks without any other pattern or threads. Last year, I had to slow down because my mother-in-law bought me an argyle sweater that had golden material making the diamonds flashy. You know you have too much argyle when your mother-in-law has to find you more in the women's section at Gap. I had to draw the line somewhere and something tells me she only wanted to see if I would wear women's clothing. I won't, no matter how pretty it made me feel.
5. "It's cooling off, now at least I don't have to shave...my chest and back." This one isn't my fault. I'm going to have to blame God, since He didn't create me with the burly man gene. I can't grow facial hair. Yes, my goatee rivals that of Johnny Depp (2009 Sexiest Man Alive, not my opinion), but the word "full" would never be used to describe my facial hair. And I realize the Johnny Depp comparison doesn't help my case, since he accessorizes with an ungodly amount of bracelets. Chest hair covers my trunk in sporadic places making my thorax appear as if it is balding. Nothing like a comb over on the chest, so I shave it off. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor because it looks ridiculous when wet.