You know when every single row of chairs has Kleenex boxes strategically placed throughout the place. The seat to Kleenex box ratio is 5:1. An aerial view of the church sanctuary would reveal a mosaic of Jesus' face with a tear made out of Kleenex boxes.
Anytime I walk into a church decorated in Kleenex boxes, my first instinct is to go Usain Bolt on them and get out of Dodge Community Church.
But then I remember one of the greatest quotes of all time. "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
No, that's not scripture.
That's Matt Damon.
I muster up that 20 seconds of insane courage. I find a seat in the back to claim my squatter's rights and to laugh at those who didn't take my advice last week.
What's the problem with these churches?
There's only two reasons they offer Kleenexes:
1) Mold or fungus is growing in the sanctuary.
If this is the reason, the offering of the Kleenex is due to your nose running about the time the pastor takes the pulpit.
Your eyes are going to burn a shade of red that makes visitors think you are demon possessed.
And the coughing, wheezing, and sneezing is going to turn the service into a commercial for Claritin.
You can be sure that this is the reason, if they give you a Claritin to chase down communion. This typically doesn't happen, so it has to be for the second reason.
2) They planned on making you cry.
They are giving you tissues for your issues that they are going to bring up. They are a "Tearjerker Church".They plan on making you cry like Matt Damon made me cry in We Bought a Zoo. I hate him for that.
I never prayed so hard in my life as I did watching that movie. My prayer went like this, "God please don't let my wife look over here at me. I will do anything you want. Please help me not to blink, because if I do, you will break one of your promises to never flood the whole entire earth again."
The Guinness record for the longest time without blinking or swallowing was set that night.
At the end of the service, I'm left wondering where those 20 seconds of embarrassing courage are now?
That's why my first instinct in a Tearjerker Church is flight, so I don't have to fight back tears later.
This is one reason why back seats are prime real estate in Tearjerker Churches.
If you are in the back, only the tech team sees you crying. No one is left wondering why you are crying. In a Tearjerker Church, be willing to pay someone for their back row seat. Heads up though you can't take that off of your tithe and it isn't tax deductible.
Just remember that when the pastor brings the message home in a Tearjerker Church bro code rules apply. No looking around. You are only allowed to look at the preacher, the ceiling, or the floor. Eye contact with anyone is strictly prohibited and may be mistaken for "having a moment".
Next time you visit a new church be sure to scope out the place first. Tearjerker Churches are great, you just need to be prepared for them.
Question:
Is your church a Tearjerker Church? How do you coupe?
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