5 Reasons Not To Take A Girl To See The Hobbit

 As you have probably heard, The Hobbit is coming out tomorrow.

Lord of the Rings is one of my geeky pleasures. That and blogging, because burly men don’t blog. Unless it's a blog about tattoos, muscles, and their latest deer gutting.

I have read all the books.

I speak fluent Sindarin and can get around in the Quenya nightclubs. Most people don't realize that Elves know how to party.

An authentic map of Middle Earth adorns our living room.

Who is cooler than Gandalf and Frodo?

The Hobbits make hairy feet and being short fashionable.

The only characters I can't relate to are dwarves. It's like they don't even try to look good.

The Hobbit hitting the theaters is a momentous occasion. But it is not something I am going to share with the person I love most—my wife.

Here are five reasons you can’t take your wife, girlfriend, or mom to see The Hobbit:

5) She can't fathom it. They simply don't understand how awesome the movies are. They can't sit and watch a continuous three hours without hitting up Pinterest. Which will be the most annoying statement during the movie, "On Pinterest, I saw how to make a replica Shire using only a toilet paper holder, a lighter, and a bag of marsh mellows."

4) She won't understand it. It isn't an intelligence issue. It's ignorance. She hasn't invested the time that you have in the folklore. So she will ask 1,000,000 questions.

3) She will make fun of you. If you dress up like your favorite character to go to the movie, chances are she'll make fun of you. Even worse, she isn't going to wear that Elven Princess dress you bought for her.

2) You might cry. Lord of the Rings had some intense tearjerker moments. You don't want her seeing you cry. She will bring attention to it, which distracts you from the movie. Robbing you of the true feelings you should feel at that moment.

1) She won't revel in the awesomeness. Here is the dialogue that happens after the movie:

Man-"Did you love it? Can we name our kid Bilbo?" [While wiping tears out of his eyes.]

Woman-"It was...umm....okay?” [While pinning something on Pinterest].

Man-"But it is one of the most awesome movies ever. Did you know J.R. Tolkien.... [She isn't even listening anymore. You lost her at "Did you know?"]

Woman-"It was okay. I just didn't understand it all. I didn't want to wear this outfit you made me wear. I thought it was sweet you cried though. You didn't even cry at our wedding. Wait a second you orc, you didn’t even cry at our wedding!"

That special moment that should have been shared as the credits were rolling off the screen have been stolen away from you. Now all that's left is the feeling of anger and betrayal inside. You want to go all dwarf on her, but you know that wouldn't be elfish of you.

So just to save you the hurt, don't take her.

Unless she read The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook that you bought for her.

Otherwise, take a bro with you. Skip seat bro rule doesn't apply during the movie, if it's packed. Just don't talk about the seating arrangements after it is over. And don't look at them, if you are about to cry.