Church Pen Thieves

Have you ever stolen a church ink pen?

Starting to feel like you've been caught, are you?

Ears burning?

Tongue swelling?

Breaking out in a cold sweat?

Ready to give the gig up?

What? It was an accident?

You didn't realize you stuck it in your Bible?

You were filling out that volunteer form to place in the offering plate and just…?

You intended to bring it back next week and then...life happened?

Relax, I'm not going to turn you into the church authorities.

I have a little collection of church ink pens myself.

These aren't your daddy's church pens.

Remember in the early 90's when churches started having pens with their church name on them?

They included colorful images of rainbows, arks, corny crosses, lambs, doves, and other images that looked like a Precious Moments doll threw up on them.

But church pens today are trendy. A swapped church pen is the status symbol of churches you have attended. When you can't afford the t-shirt, grab an ink pen.

Really I like to swap them more as a souvenir.

Think of it like a Cracker Barrel menu. (At the bottom of every Cracker Barrel menu it says you may keep the menu as a souvenir. So it's fun to keep it, take notes on it, and then have your server or any other server sign it for kicks. You can use the church pen you just stole as the writing tool.)

In my arsenal of church pens, I have the likes of Elevation, Newspring, Life Church, Real Life Church in Florida, Biltmore Baptist, a few from my church (Crossland Community Church) and many others.

So what is the best way to swap a righteous writing tool without getting caught?

Of course, no one is going to call your hand on it or say you broke number eight of the Ten. I like to rationalize it as great advertising for the church. You are really doing them a favor. They should be paying you. But it makes it more fun if you feel like you are capturing a flag.

Here are nine ways to steal a church ink pen:

1) Put it in your Bible with the end hanging out. This makes you look like you've been taking a lot of notes. The preacher will take it as a compliment.

2) Sneeze on it. Just like a tissue, they won't want it back.

3) Don't put it in your pocket or purse. It lacks creativity and pizzazz.

4) Put it behind your ear and let everyone see what you're doing eye level.

5) The chop sticks. Females can place them in their hair to hold their hair back. (This was the inspiration for this post. A friend used a stolen pen to hold her hair back. When I called her out on it, she admitted to having three to hold her hair back. She's the great white whale that the poor volunteer who stocks the pens in the chairs can't catch.)

6) The Bob Dole. Carry it out in your hand. If it's good enough for a Republican, it's good enough for a Christian.

7) Leave frazzled. Like when you get called out by a childcare or check a text and looked concerned. Leave so frazzled that you run out with it in your hand.

8) Stage collecting information at the door. Before you leave ask for someone's phone number by the door. After all, you just want to connect with someone outside of church. After writing down, take the pen and own it all the way to your car.

9) Have a sidekick. Get someone to help you. Perhaps hand it off back and forth as you leave.

Let's be honest, the church wants you take the pens. If they didn't, they wouldn't make them so hip. They put their names and information on the pens because they want them out as advertisement…or maybe because they want us to return them to the original place after all.

How do you steal (I mean, advertise) church pens?