Stocking Stuffer Idea

Dear Target,

Thank you for this great "Stocking Stuffer" idea. My daughters will love the shattered glass in their stockings this year. Luckily with the money we saved, we purchased Neosporin and Disney Princess bandaids for their stockings as well.

One Satisfied Customer,

Joel

Jesus Better Watch Out

via Amazon

Does this confuse you? It does me.

Who came first: Father Christmas or the sweet baby Jesus?

Or was Santa one of the magi who brought Jesus gifts?

No, that can't be right, because the magi came from the east not the north. And they used camels not reindeer.

Or is he just asking Jesus for a little hair on top of his noggin?

Perhaps he's singing sweet baby Jesus a warning that he'd better watch out because he's coming to town.

Why doesn't Santa cover the sweet baby Jesus up? If he's sporting a polar bear lined fur coat, then Jesus has to be cold. Not too mention itchy from laying in the hay.

And what's up with white baby Jesus? Please, please, please if you try to make an image of Jesus, don't make him so white.

The worst part of this whole thing is now the Ball family's Willow Tree nativity set is all wrong and incomplete. We are going to have to add Santa and his nine reindeer.

UnCrappy Christian Christmas Gift

Since blogging about crappy Christian Christmas gifts, my family's gifts get sweeter and sweeter. Literally!

This was a gift from close friends of ours.

That's a ginger bread house personalized to us! Talk about some monogramming! And it's all edible! Of course, my wife is never going to let the girls and me eat it. But perhaps there's a Christmas miracle in our future. I believe!

Only five more days until Christmas!

You still have time to get someone an awesome gift! Unless the world ends on tomorrow and in that event don't worry about it.

Don't panic! Avoid the crappy Christian Christmas gift like the three wise men avoid Herod.

But it's going to be hard to top this one. Although, Sofia the Elf did! (Man, I'm full of the word plays today!)

Two Crappy Christian Christmas Gifts

Last weekend my family went to Santa Claus, Indiana.

You would never guess this, but the town of Santa Claus is kind of a boom town during the Christmas season. Imagine a place where everyone's Christmas spirit matches that of the Griswold's and Buddy the Elf's and you will begin to fathom the Christmas cheer there.

The fat man in a red suit is king in the town.

But it just so happens to be a great place to find Crappy Christian Christmas Gifts as well. The only thing that would have made the town better is if there had been a Cracker Barrel.

How about this tree topper?

Doesn't that make you nervous about spending time in heaven?

Heaven is going to be a strange place, if it is filled with half-naked kids floating on clouds.

Who would want that thing on their Christmas tree? And how is that even legal?

It's not that this statue is so bad...okay, this statue is bad.

Why is Mary and Joseph color coordinating this thing?

Where in the Bible does it say that Joseph was a worship pastor who participated in NoShavember? Look at that v-neck and the Burks. My wife has those same sandals in different colors. Not to mention the flowing hair and that he is wearing more makeup than Mary.

And Mary, everybody knows you don't swaddle Sweet Baby Jesus while he is sitting up. Put some clothes on the Messiah. He is going to get all itchy.

This might be the only place where the Sweet Baby Jesus becomes Rock Star Baby Jesus. Look at the Justin Bieber hair. So we are still going with Jesus was white with blondish hair? And he is even waving to his adoring fans.

If this is the Holy family, God could have picked better parents than Mary and Joseph. Jesus is like one-year-old and he is still in the manger. Come on Mary and Joseph spend a little bit of gold the wise man gave you.

If you like this statue, it can be yours for a mere $1,300. No too bad considering it is a great conversation starter and is truly unique.

Are You a "BC Christian"?

Something I've always hated are Bible covers.

I'm a pretty simple guy, who enjoys simple things. It's not that the zipper stumps me. But it's the design that I hate. It's like the companies tried to make the Bible more functional and fashionable. It's basically a snuggie for your Bible. 

Christians, friends don't let friends use Bible covers.

Preferred and Stylish? Probably not.

But after observing "Bible Cover Christians" for some time (known henceforth as BC Christians), I've noticed a common pattern. I bring my Bible almost every week to church, but I rarely open it. A BC Christian rips open their Bible (like a kid at Christmas) when the pastor takes the stage and they always have a multicolored pen in hand.

Two theories come to mind about them:

1) BC Christians are more attentive to the sermon (most plausible) or

2) the cover has become a "cover" for another form of distraction.

Most BC Christians don't even really have a Bible in the case, but rather magazines, another book like 50 Shades of Grey, a mole skin, Sudoku, cross-word puzzles, word-finds, the Sunday paper, a television, or a small pet of some sort. 

Sorry BC Christians, but the gig is up! Don't show this to your pastor or they will be banned.

But the problem is now I want one for Christmas, so that I can cheat in the service too. I want it on the record that I feel this is a Crappy Christian Christmas Gift. But to all the BC Christians out there, we can still be friends (that is if you still want to be my friend).
 
There is a Bible cover for every walk of life. So let me make a few suggestions, if you need a Christmas idea for that special someone:

For the Sexy Man of God

For the Teenage Rebel Christian

For the Princess Christian Girl

For the Sophisticated Young Woman

Question:

What's your history with BC Christians?

Crappy Christian Christmas Gift Season Kicks Off

Only two months until Christmas (just in case you didn't know)!

Snapped the first photo of "Crappy Christian Christmas Gift" last week at Cracker Barrel. The Old Country Store is a fantastic place to find gifts that would make you feel "Un-Christian" to get rid of.

The plate is theological correct (kind of...Mary would tell you he came wrapped a little differently). No Christian would disagree that Jesus is the best gift, but this plate...not so much. You couldn't trash it, return it, or give it to your grandma. You would be stuck with it for life.

On second thought, buy the plate for someone you love, but don't like. It'll be a blessing and a curse.

Keep your eye out for "Crappy Christian Christmas Gifts" this season and shoot them my way. After all, it is the thought that counts.

Crappy Christian Gifts

What do you buy your Christian friend or family member for Christmas?

I happen to be an expert on this, partly because I grew up a preacher's kid and some because of common sense. I have seen my dad get some gifts that as a little kid I thought, "Seriously, you thought that was a good idea?" Okay, so yes it's the thought that counts, and my father always appreciated everything; but if you are going to spend money or time on your Christian friend, get something that they will like.

So I want to give you seven things not to gift to your Christian friends for Christmas this year.

1. Covered in Prayer Snuggie. Honestly, who thought that was a good idea? You should never buy a regular Snuggie for anyone (who needs a one size fits all blanket? Aren't all blankets one size fits all?), but one that says "Covered in Prayer" makes me a little nervous. Google it and check out the advertizement. The woman modeling for it couldn't look any more miserable. If you buy this for your pastor, I hope it's as a joke. 
2. Something with Scripture on it. Like the Football Popcorn Bowl with Lid. This is a popcorn bowl with guess what? A lid. The bowl has a football theme and Philippians 4:13 on it. Men don't go and get their "Football Popcorn Bowl with Lid" before the big game. Let me give you some advice. Just because Scripture is on a gift doesn't mean you should buy it. I understand the principle behind it, but if you have to put Scripture on the product just to sell it, then your product sucks.
3. Books. Books make great gifts, but only give it if you've read it first or if it's appropriate. For instance, don't buy Billy Graham's Nearing Home. I want to read this book, so it's not a knock on the book. But don't buy it for a friend because they may get the idea that you are hoping for something to happen to them. 
4. Food that they can't eat. Food is one of the best gifts to give, but before you give it to them, do some research. From time to time my dad would get food with peanuts in it. Which would be great, if he wasn't deathly allergic to them. Ask their spouse or someone close to them before you bake them something to see if they like it and will eat it. The last thing you want to do is put your friend into a food coma and to be tried for attempted murder. If you make them something and you're not sure if they can eat it or not, definitely don't buy Nearing Home because then there would be motive.
5. "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" Hand Sanitizer. Your Christian friend doesn't want you to buy them hand sanitizer for Christmas. This is in the same category as "Testamints". Yes my friends, these are actual products for sell...I can't make stuff this good up.
6. Christian Movies. I don't quite know how to say this; but only buy your friend a Christian movie if you've seen it first (see item #3)   Just because it's "Christian" doesn't mean that people should be forced to watch it. Trust me, no Christian needs more than one copy of Facing the Giants and The Love Dare (which really weren't bad movies). Christians are people who like good movies (unfortunately, some even like porn...don't buy them porn).
7. Calendars. Thank God smart phones are being used these days. One the worse gifts you can buy someone is a calendar with images that your grandmother would love. Yes, it's practical, but still ugly. The good news is if you've already bought the calendar, you can give it to your grandmother (chances are you bought her the same calendar already). If you want to buy them a calendar, go to Stuff Christians Like and buy the desktop calendar. That would be sweet!

If you choose to buy your Christian friend a present this year, buy them something you'd want. If you are a woman buying for a male refer to their same species before purchasing. If you are buying for a female, do the same--certainly don't ask me; I have a hard enough time buying for my wife.

Question:
Any ideas on what not to buy your Christian friends for Christmas?